It’s three AM Christmas morning. The snow is falling outside and the light is still a long ways from peaking its head through the clouds in the east. You have been tossing and turning all night , checking the clock every hour and knowing that you just need to wait a few more precious hours before the bevy of gifts that Santa has sure to have brought you will be in your hands. You hear a noise...Sneaking out of your bed, you climb down the stairs ever so slowly and...

It’s him! You see Old Saint Nick grab the cookies off the plate that you left out for him and gobble them down. He slams the glass of milk, some of it running down the red satin suit and onto the floor. As he belches, you start to wonder, has Santa been drinking? Just then he teeters to the left and grabs the nearest stocking off the chimney shelf. As he vomits in your red knitted bootie, you gasp and run back up the stairs, only to hear him defecating under the tree, laughing "ho ho ho" as you cry yourself to sleep.

This is the story that you will tell your friends or coworkers as they brag about all the cool toys and games that they received from good ol’ Santa if you receive any of these Christmas turds in your stocking this holiday season.

-Assassin’s Creed
 
This is probably one of those games that you put on your Christmas list months ago, only to frantically try and erase weeks later after playing the game at your friends house. Too late. This game is like a high price escort. It looks good, but it will make you feel like shit the next day. The initial fun wears off quickly, and playing the same mission over and over again is about as fun as "reading" the same issue of Playboy 500 times. This is the type of game that is perfect for the main character from Memento. He would be able to feel that every level is fresh and exciting, and although he wouldn’t be able to piece together the story, it wouldn’t matter because nobody can piece together the story.

-StrangleHold

John Woo started out making really cool movies in Hong Kong. That was many, many years ago. Now he makes movies like Paycheck (starring Ben Affleck...who was the bomb in Phantoms) and WindTalkers (with Christian Slater...no joke necessary). I guess he felt as if he hadn’t quite bottomed out yet, so he decided to ruin what might be his best movie by making a direct to game sequel of Hard Boiled, with a CGI Chow Yun Fat in tow. What came out of this great idea is StrangleHold, a blatant Max Payne rip off with a direct to video story (I’m thinking on par with American Pie: Band Camp) and boring, uninspired gameplay. So this is what it feels like when doves cry.

-Crackdown

If you get this game for Christmas, you must have a real cheap relative. As what may be the most traded in game in history, Crackdown largely became a hit as Microsoft decided to use it to extort money out of gamers with the Halo 3 multiplayer beta (I guess the 50 dollars a year for live wasn’t good enough). While this game has some good ideas, the whole thing is largely forgettable with some of the lamest weapons and most redundant gameplay in recent memory. I bet the someday Gamestop will build their new stores with copies of this game as it will be much cheaper then dry wall.

-Any Game Based on a Movie

Getting your favorite movie on DVD is one of the best presents, but if that case has a console logo on it, someone hates you this holiday season. Almost every movie gets a game, and no matter how bad the movie is, the game is always worse. The best part about most of these games is that since the movie is only two or three hours, game manufacturers have to add new plot elements to extend the pain. So if you thought The Golden Compass was bad the first time, just imagine it lasting for 8 hours (with more mini games). So when you see "Shrek" peeking out of the wrapping paper, just hope that it is not followed by -"N-Roll".

-Lair

Sometimes a game comes along that is so utterly bad, that it baffles the mind what the developers were thinking. Having played the game pre-release, I was hoping that the morons behind it would figure out that the idiotic SixAxis (more like ShitAxis) controls were the biggest blunder ever and that there would at least be an option to use the standard controls. I guess that they decided that would just make too much sense. They also decided that, there is only one thing cooler then dragons, and that is EXPLODING dragons. Yes, that makes an unplayable piece of shit tolerable.

-Two Worlds

If you’re going to copy a game, might as well copy a good one. The people behind Two Worlds saw all the money and acclaim that was being heaped on the Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, and thought, hey, we want a piece of that. Too bad they are a bunch of two bit hacks who appear to have never even played the game they were trying to imitate. Instead of a fun, deep, RPG, they gave us an unfinished piece of garbage that only the most moronic and sadistic would enjoy. If your parents have power of attorney over you, then you may just be the target market for Two Worlds.

-Medal Of Honor: Airborne
-Medal Of Honor Vanguard
-Medal of Honor Heroes 2

With the seemingly hundreds of WWII games on the market, developers really need to bring something new to the table to stand out. Electronic Arts decided that who needs to innovate, when we have the Medal of Honor name to run into the ground. By shitting out three mediocre games in one year on a every system, Electronic Arts is clearly only interested in money over quality. All three of these games are all derivative as all hell, and feature crappy gameplay and controls that will make you call Saint Nick, Saint Dick. Here’s hoping that this franchise is captured and put in a POW camp somewhere far, far away.

-Any History Channel Game

When I think action, I don’t know about you, but I immediately think History Channel!  Lucky for me then that the History Channel has decided to create their own brand of games that feature all of the non stop, over the top fun that you have gown to love from shows like Unwrapped and Modern Marvels. Who needs gameplay, graphics, controls, or playability when you are learning about wonderful history, and by playing these games, you won’t be subjected to Metamucil commercials. These games make a great companion piece for gifts like the dictionary or an encyclopedia set, and are almost as enjoyable!

-Any Non-Top Tier Wii Game

There is no hotter gift this Christmas then the Nintendo Wii. For those of you lucky to get one, you better pray to sweet Jesus that you get one of the few decent games that are actually available for this underperforming system (that’s right I said it...what are you going to do about it). Beyond Super Mario Galaxy (great game), Metroid Prime 3: Corruption (good game), The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (also on the Cube), Resident Evil 4 (which you probably already played on the Cube), Super Paper Mario (pretty good) or Zak and Wiki (what?) most (read that MOST) games are either crappy ports that play much better on other consoles, or just complete pieces of garbage that are made to make a quick buck. The fact that there are sooooo many shit games makes me pine for the days of the Nintendo Seal of Quality. Now that Nintendo has just seemed to open the floodgates and allow anything on the Wii, they may earn the title as the most greedy company, letting anything hit the market so they can light their joints with twenties and wipe their asses with ones.